Whereas Last Chances I did not have the greatest of times.
Upon arriving at Chances this evening I was in a pretty foul mood apropos nothing in particular, but a milieu of various things that are worrying/bothering me right now.
I tried getting drunk to no avail. Within an hour and a half I threw back four Jack and cokes and felt nothing. Not even the slightest tinge. At least the bartender recognizes me, even if he did give me incredulous stares.
I met Saalim, Dan, and
Jeremy there and had a pretty amusing time among them.
At some point I walked off to go to the bathroom. As I returned and walked through the room to Jeremy again he looked at me and remarked, "You're so fiercely independent."
It struck me as curious that he said it. I take it for granted that people often do not see themselves as independent. It's something to which I've become accustomed since I was around eleven. For various reasons, that was the age at which I realized the only person who was responsible for my emotional well being was myself.
I've had slips from that dictum. My first, last, and only long term relationship proved to me how stupid even I could be at twenty. Since then I've grown quite a bit, however.
I am independent.
For the most part, I wasn't even cognizant how true this was until my family moved back to Germany my freshman year in college. With them out of the country, I was suddenly acutely aware that I was adrift. If something horrible happened at Wabash I was going to have to deal with that fact.
My senior year at Wabash an aspiring film director from my class wanted to make a documentary film. He wanted to follow three stereotypes around our campus and see how they lived their lives beyond the stereotypes assumed. There was the typical fraternity male who was involved in the hazing practices of our glorified cheerleading squad, the African-American jock, and myself, the 'art fag.'
After the initial screening the staff member responsible for overseeing our publications had a question directed to me. Out of the three people, why was I alone so often? It seemed a shroud that surrounded me. Following me around in one typical day of my life, it was apparent I had friends, but even their presence in my life did not take up the majority of my time.
The fraternity member was constantly surrounded by either his fellow Rhinies or fraternity brothers.
The jock had his teammates.
I had my theater friends, but there was a lot of time spent wrapping things up for the
Wabash Review, walking to classes I shared with none of my friends, engaging in conversations with professors, and generally doing my own thing. Until he pointed it out, I hadn't realized how much time I spent by myself. It also immediately made me feel horribly alone and made me realize how much I missed my family.
The rest of my friends had families they could visit, girlfriends at neighboring colleges, and I was the unfortunate person who had nothing but his friends (this was only unfortunate when everyone was otherwise engaged). The fact that they had other obligations was just one of those things that would occasionally make me maudlin and wish for a partner of my own, but it was something I grew to accept.
It was no different in high school, when my family's financial situation made for very strained relationships.
One of the reasons my last relationship ended so horribly and with a number of vitriolic statements exchanged was because I refused to eventually bend to someone else's whims. I felt no compulsion to fit in with the rest of society by listening to certain bands, wearing certain clothing, and believing that children had to be raised with a religion to be moral. Bullshit, I said.
Perhaps there is something to that. Quite frequently I am reminded how oddly I stand where I am. My childhood experiences are not something I can relate to anyone but my brother with full understanding, really. I grew up in a military family, but with a mother who exposed me to counterculture while I was still a babe. At seven I was already learning bits of Italian on top of my English and German, though I was hardly part of an upper class family. High school introduced being around all the wealthier students who were in the upper income brackets while my family was scraping by to eat from month to month.
I am independent because I really don't know how else to be.
In various ways I've placed my trust in people. I've been betrayed about as often as I've had stellar examples of people who would support me no matter the circumstances. However, there is a naturally distrustful side of me that refuses to ask favors. It takes extreme circumstances for me to rely on anyone. Yet, I am an optimist at heart and will let down my guard once I feel comfortable with someone.
I'm not sure that will ever change.
It made me throw back my head and laugh at myself as I danced at Chances. I had no coterie of friends surrounding me, no partner with whom I shared moves, and was dancing by myself, only as aware of my surroundings as I needed be to avoid stepping into other people.
But at least I made my way back home in the presence of friends and no muggings occurred this time.
All of this just reminds me of seeing Saul Williams live and hearing him scream the chorus from Björk's
Declare Independence when an equipment failure happened on stage. He continued the concert. It was very magnetic and struck a chord within me.
Current Mood: 
happyCurrent Music: Björk - Declare Independence 
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