| Wednesday, February 15th, 2006 |
| 11:20 pm |
What an interesting Valentine's Day. I spent it getting reaquainted with my boy loves. Denis, Matt Etc.... Would have done girls too if there were any. I really don't have many girlfriends. Actually i think only two. *shrug*. Matt was not having a good vd. By the time i spoke to him he was quite intoxicated. I think I hate his girlfriend for being a bitch...I don't know her at all so its easy to do. He told me some shit about by my ex that sorta pissed me off. He toldd me that Chris was still convinced that I was hung up on him and using everything that happened between me and him to hate me. And it pissed me off at first. Not that he hates me,that I can at least understand why because i did some fucked up stuff to him and I really don't blame him. But all that crap that happened a few months ago, it really had nothing to do with him. I was an emotional mess and scared and well just screwed the fuck up. I ran back to the one guy who ever treated me well. The only one I could say i truly loved and yeah, I will always love him but I honestly don't have an interest in rekindling anyhthing with him and I never did. I was terrified. I was engaged to the wrong man, agood man just the wrong one. My life was stagnating and I knew that if I did not do something soon I was going to be trapped. So instead thinking rationally about my situation and trying to better it, I saw Chris and flew off the handle. That boy has dealt with more shit from me than anyone ever should. I was not fair to him or his girlfriend. I fucked up again. I was so happy when he finally started talking to me again and then I fucked it up. But to be honest it was kinda fucked up to begin with. I knew that he really didn't want me in his life and that is what hurt. Not being able to talk to one of the two people who kept me alive that year. That is not an exaggeration. I have never ever been more hurt or more helpless than I was at that moment . I knew that i could never be good to him in that state but I didn't know what else to do. So I fucked him up really bad. I don't know. All I want is for him to be happy and lead a good life and if it's easier for him to hate me then so be it. Chris I know you aren't reading this but know I love you and you will always be in my heart and little piece of me will always be with you wherever you are and whatever you do no matter if you like it or not. And I won't apologize because it would not do any good. You know in your heart that the person you dealt with last was not me and you know in your heart that i never ever meant to fuck you up this badly but I did and there is nothing I can do about it. So have a wonderful life with a lot of babies and good times and know I will be thinking about you always. You will always always be my friend and you know that whatever you need I am here for you. With that said I move on... in more ways than one. I AM GETTING MY VERY FIRST APARTMENT ALL BY MYSELF!!!! YAY!!! I am a grown up and shit. I can fucking take care of myself. I feel soooooo awesome. I can't think of atime when I was this fucking happy. I am accomplishing shit. OOOOO something awesome as well. I am going to the Lone Wolf tattoo convention. Doug Bradley will be there (Pinhead from Hellraiser) and most of the cast The Devil's Rejects except Sherri Moon Zombie (sniff). And possibly more people who knows. And my friend works for lone wolf so thats pretty awesome. Well thats enough rambling for now. Current Mood:  bouncyCurrent Music: BNL "Call Me Calmly" |
| Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 |
| 7:02 pm |
I just spent a fucking hour searching for lyrics to The Birthday Party song "Waving My Arms". I guess if I want to know them I will need to hunt down Nick Fucking Cave. Ok enough complaing here is a song that I think is saying a whole fucking lot. Naked Raygun "Treason" Why me? Why am I down? Why feel I'm not whole? Why feel so far below? I'm free to go Why dream? Why partake? Why be half of a weak embrace of time and place and lose space? Deep down inside I know the reasons, reasons In faces I see lies While they try to hide their eyes Man, it hurts inside It's like treason, treason, treason, treason Soft ground politics Inside dealing tricks I can't pick a side you decide What plan? What design? Can they have in mind? Have they lost their minds? Have I lost mine? It's never just black or white I know the reasons, reasons, What I feel makes me alive Ggoes beyond what they decide Can't fight what gives you life That's treason, treason, treason, treason Always ask yourself, why be half of a weak embrace? Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: Naked Raygun "Treason" |
| Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 |
| 10:56 pm |
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams
The Great Gatsby - F.Scott Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
1984 - George Orwell
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
Neuromancer - William Gibson
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson
A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Good Omens - Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
copy
bold what you've read
italisize what you plan to read
Current Mood:  highCurrent Music: Home Movies |
| Saturday, January 28th, 2006 |
| 11:33 pm |
KITTIES!!!!! I got my kitties back! I haven't been able to take them from my ex because i had no where for them to go. However, Jason and Benjamin said my cats could board with them so YAY!!!!!! KITTIES!!!! I am ridiculously happy to have my gracey and kalypso back. Gracey was a liitle wary at first (there are two other kitties here as well) but she is out and exploring and kalypso is pissed off, hiding in a corner and attacking anything that gets too close... the other cats are slightly miffed and keeping their distance. So i have gotton an small concert going schedule starting to line up for the year. February 12_Voltaire at NV april 9_Dinosaur Jr May _ The Liars in Knoxville Small butit will expand. well got to get back to my rum and coke and laundry. Ta ta for now Current Mood:  dorkyCurrent Music: Dinasaur Jr "Don't" |
| Thursday, January 26th, 2006 |
| 4:40 pm |
Chillin out. Its my day off. I had to start a job on the very last day of their pay period so I am employed but still flat fucking broke for two weeks. Hurrah. Gonna go out and traverse the thrift stores today. YAY cheap stuff!Hannah is holding a burning cigarette with her toes while cleaning the bowl. That, my friends, is talent. Benjamin is immune to the peer pressure... I guess it would work better if I was old like him. *blows him kisses* (He was reading over my shoulder.)Ah from metal to gangsta rap..we are now listening to dr dre's the chronic. WEll I am fucking hungry ah thank god for randomness. Current Mood: highCurrent Music: Asschapel "Great Demise" |
| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006 |
| 2:50 am |
I have spent the last five hours reading Catcher in the Rye. I am amazed I never picked it up before. I was (well, still am actually) sitting around my friends' apartment. Nothing to do and its fucking snowing but its not nice snow its nasty slushy kill you trying walk around snow. I was just dicking around talking to the mom and trying to figure out how the hell to kill the next 6 or 7 hours til one of them got home from work. I figured I'd read for a while and then take a nap or watch t.v. I read the fucking book cover to cover. I couldn't put it down. I had been meaning to read it for years. I never did really think about it until I saw it on their bookshelf (huge shelf for records and movies tiny tiny shelf for books tsk tsk....do batman comics even belong on a bookshelf?) I always strayed away from reeading it. I always had this fear...still do i guess... that everyone will think that the only reason i read what i read and listen to waht i listen to and watch what i watch is because i want people to know about it. Does that even make sense? I suppose what i am trying to do now is get over that. I can like what i like because i do . it requires no goddam explanation. I am sick of caring what people think of me. I always figured it was ok because most people worry about fitting in and i worry because i don't want people to think i am like them and that is frankly just as bad. So my first order of business is to proclaim to the world that I have finally read Catcher in the Rye at the age of 21(a bit late, you say, well fuck you it was just right for me) and I enjoyed and I don't want to have intellectual conversations about it unless ....actually fuckit...i just don't want to. No reason and I don't have to have one. So yeah anyway. On to trite stupid life shit. I got a job today at this pizza place. Hopefully i'll be gettin the hell out of Clarksville soon. Mom's worried about me. And after everything i have chosen to do in my life i suppose she has every reason to be. She's worried that i am moving up here for this boy. you know what? I was worried about that too. I thought about that a lot actually. I thought about whether or not i broke off my engagement for this boy too....but its not really his fault. No....he's more like the strAaw and i really hate to give him that much power and well i dont fell like typing anymore later...maybe Current Mood:  quixotic |
| Sunday, January 1st, 2006 |
| 2:07 am |
WHAT IT IS HOMIES!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I FOUND A FUKING COMPUTER!!!! BENJAMIN IS FUCKING HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WhAT IS UP WITH YOU? .... I MISS YOU SO MUCH.... YEAH BENJAMIN IS SO HOT... WE HAVE BEEN DOING IT SO MUCH .... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF... I LOVE YOU ALL. AND I AM IN LOVE WITH MY ROOMMATE TIFFANY... SHE IS JUST AS HOT AS BEN.... Current Mood:  drunkCurrent Music: nEW oRDER blUE moNDAY |
| Thursday, May 13th, 2004 |
| 9:50 am |
My ride is not answering the phone. I get to sit around for another hour til my dad can come pick me up. I hate not having a car. But whatever, I mean in the scheme of things its not really that important anyway. So I took my last examine and it was easy. Last night I hung out with Tony and Rob got really fucking stoned and watched a really bad Troma flick and adult swim. I really love Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It was one of the best nights I have had in months. Also Rob informed me that the tattoo he is drawing for me he wants to make it into a full quarter sleeve. Which means it will cover the entire outside of my upper arm. This and he has promised it to me for fifty bucks. Thats a good fucking deal. I am really excited about it. Current Mood:  grumpy |
| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004 |
| 2:15 pm |
Well the event was fun....except the part where some girl threatented to punch my face in. Other than that it was fun. Yeah thats pretty much all I have to say. yep. Current Mood:  crappy |
| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004 |
| 9:18 am |
Early Mornin' Blues Its way too early for me. I mean damn. I should be writing my paper, but I'm not. I will though, I think. Only a little bit more and the school year is over. And then back to the grindstone of a job. I played tetris for hours l;ast night. It was sad. When I went to bed I still saw those little shapes in my head. I suppose that is better than getting that kid's music stuck in their. The people I am staying with have a two year old son who has this toy that plays Wiggle's songs. Of course it is his favorite and he plays the songs over andover and over. If i have to shake my hips with wag the dog one more time I am gonna scream. Well off to the paper. PS Bagwell i will be there in spirit. Current Mood: frustratedCurrent Music: I'm Only Happy When It Rains Garbage |
| Monday, May 3rd, 2004 |
| 12:30 pm |
So yeah I am posting again this song is exactly what i feel like at this moment. I am on this these meds for anxiety and depression and they make me tiered as fuck not to mention I have a cold that I took something for and now I feel like well see the song. So it is the last week of classes. I made it. With the ability to go to school next semester. Mom and I are on better terms. My dad is the most wonderful man alive. And I miss people so much I feel like my heart is going to explode. This Thursday I head down to Beltane. To explain: 1. My friends like to beat each other up with large padded weapons 2. They meet in a group to do this. 3. One is called Ampguard which is more rpg and a little less rough, the other is Daggerhere (i have no idea if that is how it is spelled) and it is fairly violent. 4. Daggerhere is having an event to correspond to the Pagan holiday Beltane. 5. I will be in a cabin for several days or wandering about the park looking at merchants, possibly drinking (may not bit overrated), and mostly just having fun dressing up and watching people beat the crap out of each other. Oh, and hanging with Trish and hoping she doesn't have her baby there (she is due in 3 weeks.) 6. Oh yeah and its in Montgomery Bell in Dickson. This is my first event. I think I may try the beating people up thing at some point but for now I am content. I bought this gorgeous black velvet dress at the goodwill to where to the feast. Yeah there is a big feast. I am still planning on New Orleans. Hopefully it will be in the cards. And mom wants me to come see her. However, I refuse to for more than a week or I will fucking kill her. I love her but we have been a little at odds lately. I feel very music deprived. Sigh. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: zombie by the cranberries stuck in head |
| Wednesday, March 31st, 2004 |
| 12:54 pm |
for you.....every one at tech
Hoobastank lyrics :: The Reason lyrics
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
I love you all. Every last one of you. |
| Saturday, January 10th, 2004 |
| 1:38 pm |
JOHNNY FENG!
It has been a long time since i posted but i am starting college on Monday and that rocks. Ok and Johnny Feng if you are reading this please leave me a way to contact you. It would be awesome! And yeah I will pretty much definatly be in New Orleans this spring. |
| Monday, December 8th, 2003 |
| 3:51 pm |
Today I have dressed like a Catholic school girl complete with white panties covered in cherries. I have no idea why. I usually don't go for this sort of thing. I just felt like wearing a costume I guess. Anyway my job is boring yet not too sucky. Very easy to just get into a rhythm and forget. I like it. I have decided to start taking up Brandy and Kim on offers to hang out in other places besides the coffee shop. I think getting out more may do some good. Yay! Iget to see Denis this XMas. And I am starting to plan a trip to New Orleans. I can't wait. Yeah I know. A very boring post. Current Mood:  okayCurrent Music: Type O Negative "Life is Killing ME" |
| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003 |
| 3:38 pm |
Its been awhile again Well I finally have a job and hopefully will keep it I have been so fucking busy lately. Depression has also steeped itself again but whatever, It always happens in the winter. So I finally finished and am getting framed the geisha crossstich I made for Chris. I am however a little nervous about going back down there. I just want my friend back. Oh well I have everything almost set up to go back to school in January here at APSU. That will be nice. I don't know. I have made up my mind. Don't know about what yet except that I am sick o bullshit and will not have it anymore and if everyone thinks that I am a heartless jaded fuck they can kiss my ass. I still have the Cure to keep me nice and emotional. I give up you guys. I don't need this shit anymore. Acid, booze, and ass. Needles, guns, and grass. Lots of laughs. And everybody's saying that Hell's the hippest way to go. Well, I don't think so but I'll take a look around. Current Mood: apathetic |
| Tuesday, November 11th, 2003 |
| 5:04 pm |
Scared as Hell Ok so I keep putting applications in. I go to the interviews. I am told many wonderful things. Then they add those horrid words. "We'll call you". I don't have a job. I can't find a job. I owe lots of money to my landlord. I have no where else to go. I go to bed hungry and I wake up cold. This is no way to live. And the weirdest thing of all is, I am happier now than I have been in years. At least since I was like 8. However I am very very very very nervous. I owe $265 in four days or I get an eviction notice. WHY THE FUCK WON"T ANYONE HIRE ME!! I am a good worker I can do this. If I even just had a job there would be an extention on the bills. Well I have to go now and slam my head repeatedly into the wall. Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: Flight of the Bumblebee |
| Sunday, November 9th, 2003 |
| 12:41 pm |
YAY! I had a job interveiw yesterday with Sears. Hopefully I will get a call tomorrow. I really really really need this job. Its shitty right now. I have 8 Cents to my name and owe about $300 in bills right now or they will turn off water and electricity and then kick me out. GRRRRR!!! It totally blows. Oh well life goes on. On another note, times are intersting right now in other areas as well. I really pissed off my friends boyfriend. I got kinda drunk (going away party for my friend Nate who is heading back to Iraq) and sorta well. *VEG* She's pretty and she likes me too and that is all I am going to say. Oh yeah I have a boyfriend. His name is Tony and he is really nice. (I am such a dork). Yesterday I went and visited Tana and Travis and their little girl. That was fun. I was molested by a cat. They are very interesting and cool people. Oh Ariana (the little girl) was amusing herself by saying boobies and poopoo randomly. I believe Tony and Travis found it just as funny as she did. The weirdos. Boys are odd. Even the old ones. Travis has now convinced his daughter that all boys are stupid and will never be smarter than girls. I suppose this is helping on the way to her becoming a lesbian. I suppose it might be easier that way. Its not easy to find a nice guy that one is compatile with. Hell nice guys don't come along to easily anyway. I am very happy for my Denis. But also I am prepared to kick the ass of anyone who hurts him (I loves you Denis!) Alright I have to go to my sister's birthday party. Current Mood:  determinedCurrent Music: The Indigo Girls "Prince of Darkness" |
| Monday, November 3rd, 2003 |
| 6:22 pm |
I'm BaAAAAAACK! Yes my dears I have finally been able to write. Granted not much. But it will be possible for me to check and update every few days. I have given up trying to go back and read everything so this will be like me starting anew. Two things before I go, Denis I love and have been incredibly ill. And the bills this month were a bit higher than expected. Still working on paying them. I am so sorry I missed the chance. And Narration. Sweetie I don't know whats going on but if you need someone to drink with, Cookeville is only a couple of hours away. I miss you all terribly and I miss this damn computer. Forgive me all. I have been to hell, fucked a demon and came back stronger. Current Mood:  loved |
| Friday, August 15th, 2003 |
| 6:52 pm |
My life right now consists of trying to figure out a way to get the people who "fixed" my car to fix the stuff they broke while fixing my car and trying to scrape up enough money for rent with only one small jkob,. I work 4 to 7 am 5 days a week. However I love this job. Oh and spending time with... well we won;'t go there. So basically all my guys at tech. I fucking love and miss everyone of you. Please don't hate me too much. Shit happens you know? Current Mood: annoyed |
| Saturday, July 19th, 2003 |
| 3:59 pm |
Crestfallen Lyrics
The Smashing Pumpkins
Adore
Who am I to need you when I'm down
Where are you when I need you around
Your life is not your own
And all I ask you
Is for another chance
Another way around you
To live by circumstance, once again
Who am I to need you now
To ask you why to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
And you may go, but I know you won't leave
Too many years built into memories
Your life is not your own
Who am I to need you now
To ask you why to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
Who am I to you?
Along the way
I lost my faith
And as you were, you'll be again
To mold like clay, to break like dirt
To tear me uo in your sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
You were never meant to belong to me
You were never meant to belong to me
Who am I? |
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